Is it just me, or is parenting teenagers emotionally exhausting?
This was one of the recurring themes that came up at our monthly parent meet-up last month.
It started with a parent sharing their pain and frustration in this area, and everyone in the room had a “me too“.
And honestly, I wasn’t surprised.
Because parenting teenagers is a different kind of parenting.
They’re changing physically.
They’re changing emotionally.
They’re figuring out who they are.
They’re becoming more independent.
Their friendships matter differently.
Their opinions are getting stronger.
Their need for privacy is growing.
And sometimes their emotions seem to arrive before they have worked out what the emotion actually is.
One minute you’re having a perfectly normal conversation.
The next minute you’re thinking:
“Where did THAT come from?”
Sometimes intentional parenting feels harder because we are parenting through the relationship, rather than simply controlling the behaviour.
Sadly, you can’t just parent the behaviour anymore.
When my children were younger, there were certain things I could simply shut down.
“Because I said so.”
“Go upstairs.”
“That’s not acceptable.”
“End of discussion.”
And yes, as a naturally strict mum, I was quite comfortable with those tools!
But teenagers are different.
Not because boundaries suddenly don’t matter.
They absolutely do.
But because the goal is no longer simply to get them to obey.
We’re trying to help them learn to think.
To make decisions.
To take responsibility.
To manage their emotions.
To understand consequences.
To develop their own judgement.
To eventually function without us standing beside them telling them what to do.
Research into adolescence describes this period as one of increasing autonomy, emotional development and changing relationships with parents. Young people still need warmth and firm expectations, but the relationship has to evolve as they mature. (Developing Adolescent)
And therein lies the exhaustion.
Because intentional parenting asks us to stay engaged when control would sometimes be easier.
Sometimes I don’t want to have the conversation.
Sometimes I just want to say:
“Because I’m your mother.”
“Because I know better.”
“Because I’ve already told you.”
“Because we are NOT doing this today.”
And let’s be honest…
Sometimes that would be considerably quicker.
😂
But intentional parenting asks a different question:
“What does my teenager need to learn from this?”
Not:
“How do I make my teenager stop doing this?”
That is a completely different parenting mindset.
And it requires more from us.
It requires us to listen when we’d rather lecture.
To pause when we’d rather react.
To explain when we’d rather command.
To hold a boundary without turning the relationship into a battlefield.
And sometimes, to allow our teenagers to experience the consequences of their choices rather than rushing in to fix everything.
That is emotionally expensive.
And teenagers aren’t exactly making it easy.
Adolescence is a period of significant social, emotional and cognitive development.
Teenagers become increasingly sensitive to social feedback, belonging and how other people perceive them. Their ability to regulate emotions and make decisions is developing too, which means they are learning these skills while actually living through situations that require them. (Developing Adolescent)
So when your teenager reacts dramatically to something that seems completely insignificant to you, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re deliberately being difficult.
Their experience of that situation may genuinely be different.
That doesn’t mean we excuse poor behaviour.
It means we understand what we’re dealing with.
Understanding is not the same as excusing.
I think that’s an important distinction for parents.
Especially those of us who were raised with a strong emphasis on respect, obedience and discipline.
We can keep the values.
But we may need to upgrade the method.
The arguments can feel different too.
One of the things I found particularly interesting in the research is that parent-teen conflict doesn’t necessarily simply increase throughout adolescence.
A large meta-analysis found that the frequency of parent-adolescent conflict actually tends to decline across adolescence, while the emotional intensity of conflict can increase, particularly from early to mid-adolescence. (PubMed Central (PMC))
In other words…
You might not have friction about everything.
But when you DO?
Whew.
It can feel like somebody has turned the emotional volume up to 100.
And that’s exhausting.
Especially when you care deeply about the relationship.
Connection makes us vulnerable too.
If we’re parenting from control, we can sometimes detach emotionally.
“You’re breaking the rule. Here’s the consequence. Done.”
But when we’re trying to maintain connection, we’re more emotionally involved.
We’re asking:
“Why are you behaving like this?”
“What’s really going on?”
“How do I help you?”
“Did I handle that well?”
“Should I have pushed harder?”
“Should I have backed off?”
“Was that disrespect, or was my teenager simply expressing an opinion?”
And suddenly we’re lying in bed replaying a conversation from 7:43pm.
Because intentional parenting doesn’t mean we never get it wrong.
It means we’re willing to examine how we’re parenting.
That self-reflection can be exhausting.
But here’s the bit I don’t want parents to miss.
Your teenager still needs you.
Even while they are pushing for independence.
Even while they roll their eyes.
Even while their friends sometimes seem more interesting than you.
Even while they tell you they can handle everything themselves.
Research consistently points to the importance of supportive parent-adolescent relationships. Adolescents may need increasing autonomy, but warmth, connection and firm expectations remain important. (Developing Adolescent)
So the goal isn’t to become the parent who never says no.
And it isn’t to become the parent who allows everything in the name of connection.
It is possible to be firm AND connected.
You can have boundaries without building walls.
You can disagree without withdrawing love.
You can hold your values without demanding that your teenager experience the world exactly as you did.
You can say:
“I don’t agree with your choice, but I’m willing to talk to you about it.”
That is parenting too.
But parents need care as well.
This is the part I think we don’t talk about enough.
We’re constantly talking about what teenagers need.
More understanding.
More connection.
More emotional support.
More opportunities for independence.
More patience.
More communication.
And yes, they need those things.
But what about the parent who is running on empty?
Research into parents of adolescents has found links between parental emotional exhaustion, anxiety and difficulties in the parent-adolescent relationship. (PubMed Central (PMC))
So if you’re finding teenage parenting exhausting, perhaps the answer isn’t that you’re doing it badly.
Perhaps you’re doing something genuinely demanding.
You’re trying to raise a capable human being while simultaneously adjusting to the fact that the little person you used to manage is becoming a person you now have to influence.
That’s a big transition.
For them.
And for you.
Maybe we need to stop expecting ourselves to enjoy every part of it.
There are days when I absolutely love parenting my teenagers.
The conversations.
The humour.
The insight.
Watching their personalities develop.
Seeing them become more independent.
And then there are days when I think:
“Lord, give me strength because these children have tested every parenting skill I thought I possessed.”
Both can be true.
You can love your teenager deeply and still find parenting them exhausting.
You can be committed to intentional parenting and still lose your patience.
You can believe in connection and still need five minutes alone in a room.
You can be a good parent and think:
“I genuinely don’t know what to do with this one today.”
That doesn’t make you a bad parent.
It makes you human.
So perhaps the goal isn’t to make teenage parenting easier.
Perhaps the goal is to become better equipped for what it actually requires.
Because we’re not simply raising children anymore.
We’re helping young people transition from dependence to independence.
And that means our parenting has to transition too.
Keep the values.
Keep the boundaries.
Keep the relationship.
Keep learning.
And perhaps most importantly…
Keep some grace for yourself.
Because while your teenager is figuring out who they’re becoming, you’re figuring out how to parent the person they’re becoming.
And honestly?
That is no small job.
If you’re finding this stage a challenge, especially if you’re an African, parenting teens, why not join our monthly Parent Meet-up sessions? Send an email to letstalk@kiro.coach
