Can you be at the top of your career and still be a present mum?
It’s a question women have been asking for decades.
And depending on who you listen to, there are two answers.
“Yes. Women can have it all.”
Or:
“No. Something has to give.”
I think the truth sits somewhere in the uncomfortable middle.
Because here’s the thing nobody likes to talk about:
There are only 24 hours in a day.
You can be ambitious. You can be a brilliant mum. You can build a successful career. You can have a thriving marriage. You can look after your health. You can maintain friendships. You can volunteer at school. You can cook proper meals.
But you probably can’t give 100% of yourself to all of them, every single day, and remain a functioning human being.
Something has to flex.
And sometimes, something has to wait.
The problem with “having it all”
I think we’ve misunderstood the phrase.
Because what exactly is “all”?
A six-figure salary?
A senior leadership position?
Children who are happy and thriving?
A spotless house?
A healthy marriage?
Being at every school assembly?
Cooking from scratch?
Going to the gym five times a week?
Having a social life?
Sleeping eight hours?
Looking fantastic while doing it?
Please.
At some point, “having it all” starts sounding less like freedom and more like an unpaid full-time job with impossible KPIs.
And women have become incredibly good at setting those KPIs for ourselves.
But can you be a successful career woman and a present mum?
I think you can.
But being present doesn’t necessarily mean being available every minute.
And this is where I think we need to have a more honest conversation.
I have met mothers who spend enormous amounts of time physically with their children but are emotionally somewhere else.
They’re answering emails.
Thinking about work.
Scrolling.
Planning.
Worrying.
Trying to keep ten plates spinning.
And I’ve met mothers who work demanding jobs but have built very intentional relationships with their children.
They might miss things.
They might not be at every event.
They might rely on grandparents, childcare, partners, family and other trusted adults.
But when they are with their children, they are there.
Not perfect.
Not constantly available.
But connected.
Research on parent-child time backs up some of this complexity. Children don’t simply experience “time with Mum” as a number on a spreadsheet. Studies have found that children place value on ordinary moments with parents when those moments involve attention and low stress. (Wiley Online Library)
And that matters.
Because perhaps the question isn’t:
“How many hours did you spend with your child today?”
Perhaps the better question is:
“What was the quality of our relationship?”
But let’s not pretend there isn’t a cost
This is where I don’t want to give women another fluffy “you can do anything!” speech.
Because sometimes the answer is simply:
You can’t do everything.
If you take the promotion, there may be more evenings at work.
If you start the business, there may be weekends when you’re working.
If you travel for your career, you may miss the school concert.
If you reduce your hours, your career progression might slow down.
If you choose to stay home for a few years, you may sacrifice income or professional momentum.
These aren’t imaginary trade-offs.
UK research from King’s College London found that mothers, particularly mothers of young children, experience disadvantages in job quality, including less control over working time and tasks compared with fathers of similar-aged children. (King’s College London)
Working Families’ 2025 research also found that parents who reduced their working hours reported less career progression, with women twice as likely as men to reduce their hours. (Working Families)
So let’s stop pretending this is simply a matter of better time management.
Sometimes the structures around us make it genuinely difficult.
Childcare costs money.
Careers reward availability.
Leadership roles can demand long hours.
Children have needs that don’t conveniently fit around quarterly targets.
And mothers are still often carrying a disproportionate amount of the invisible work at home.
That’s not a personal failure.
That’s reality.
And then there’s Mum guilt…
Ah, mum guilt.
The gift that keeps on giving.
You’re at work thinking:
“I should be with my children.”
You’re with your children thinking:
“I really should be answering those emails.”
You’re exercising thinking:
“I should be working.”
You’re working thinking:
“I should be resting.”
You’re resting, thinking:
“I should be doing something productive.”
Honestly, woman, SIT DOWN.
😂
The pressure to be exceptional everywhere can become exhausting.
And research on working motherhood has highlighted exactly this tension: the expectation isn’t simply to work and parent. It’s to excel at both, while maintaining the home, relationship and everything else that apparently comes with being a successful woman. (PubMed Central (PMC))
Maybe “balance” isn’t the goal.
I actually don’t think I’ve ever had a perfectly balanced life.
Some seasons have been heavily weighted towards work.
Some towards the children.
Some towards family.
Some towards survival!
And that’s okay.
Because perhaps balance suggests that everything gets an equal share.
But life doesn’t work like that.
Sometimes your child needs more of you.
Sometimes your career needs more of you.
Sometimes your partner needs more of you.
Sometimes you need more of you.
The goal isn’t equal.
The goal is intentional.
And here’s the bit I really want mothers to hear.
Your children don’t necessarily need you to abandon your ambition to prove that you love them.
They also don’t need you to sacrifice yourself completely at the altar of your career to prove that you’re successful.
They need a mum who knows what matters.
A mum who has values.
A mum who creates boundaries.
A mum who knows when to say yes and when to say no.
A mum who can apologise.
A mum who can listen.
A mum who can put the phone down.
A mum who can say:
“I’m working right now, but I’ll be fully with you at 7pm.”
And then actually be there at 7pm.
They also need to see that adulthood isn’t about shrinking yourself to fit one role.
You can be a mum, a professional, a friend, a wife, a businesswoman and a human being who still has dreams.
But you may not be able to give every role your maximum every day, and that doesn’t make you a bad mum.
What about the mums who choose differently?
This matters too.
Because the answer isn’t that every mother should work.
And it isn’t that every mother should stay home.
Some women find enormous fulfilment in their careers.
Some find enormous fulfilment in being at home with their children.
Some want both.
Some change their minds.
Some don’t have a choice.
Some have financial realities that make the decision for them.
There is no single formula.
The problem begins when we turn our personal choice into a universal rule for everybody else.
So, can you really have it all?
Maybe.
But probably not in the way Instagram sold it to us.
You can have a successful career and a strong relationship with your children.
You can be ambitious and present.
You can work hard and still prioritise your family.
But there will be seasons when you can’t do everything.
There will be things you miss.
There will be moments of guilt.
There will be compromises.
There will be days when you feel like you’re absolutely smashing it.
And there will be days when you eat cereal for dinner and wonder how everyone survived.
That’s not failure.
That’s parenting.
So perhaps the question we should stop asking is:
“Can I have it all?”
And start asking:
“What does having a good life actually look like for me and my family?”
Because I don’t want my children to grow up believing that being a good mother means abandoning your dreams.
But I also don’t want them to grow up believing that success means being permanently exhausted, permanently unavailable and permanently chasing the next achievement.
I want them to see something more realistic.
A woman who has ambitions.
A woman who has boundaries.
A woman who makes choices.
A woman who sometimes gets it wrong.
A woman who loves her children deeply.
And a woman who understands that being present isn’t about being everywhere.
It’s about being intentional about where you are.
And when you’re there…
Be there.
