The uniform is back on. The alarm is going off far too early. Within a few days, the summer holidays already feel like a distant memory.
For most of us, September means getting everyone back into routine: early mornings, homework, clubs, sports, packed lunches, emails from teachers, and the inevitable conversation about grades.
But amongst all the organising, reminding and occasionally shouting across the house, have we stopped to ask how our teenager is actually doing?
Not how they’re performing. How they’re feeling.
“How was school?” isn’t always enough
Let’s be honest. You ask, “How was school?” and you get “Fine.” You ask what they did and hear “Nothing.” Teachers? “Fine.” Lunch? “Yes.” Conversation over. 😂
It’s easy to assume that if our teenager is going to school, getting through the day and coming home looking relatively normal, everything must be okay. But a lot can be going on underneath that never makes the front page. They can be excited to see their friends and anxious about a new class. Laughing with their mates while worrying about their grades. Looking confident while quietly wondering where they fit in. And sometimes they simply don’t have the words for it yet.
As parents, and especially as African parents, we are brilliant at preparation. Have you got everything? Don’t forget your homework. Listen to your teacher. Don’t get into trouble. Remember why you’re there.
And there’s nothing wrong with that. Education matters. Discipline matters. Responsibility matters.
But our teenagers aren’t just students walking into a classroom. They’re young people navigating friendships, identity, pressure, confidence and independence, often without the language to explain any of it. So sometimes the question has to move from “How did you do?” to “How are you doing?”
Ask better questions
A small change in the question can create a completely different conversation.
- Instead of “How was school?” try “How are you feeling about being back?”
- Instead of “Are you keeping up with your work?” try “Is there anything about this year that’s worrying you?”
- Instead of “Are you getting on with everyone?” try “How are things with your friends?”
- Instead of “What grades are you getting?” try “How are you finding the workload?”
Or skip the question altogether: “You know you can talk to me if anything’s on your mind, right?” Then leave some space.
Because this is where we often get it wrong. We ask, they start answering, and before they’ve finished we’ve formed an opinion, decided what they should have done differently and prepared a five-minute lecture. The hammer is already in our hand. 😬
Listen before you fix
This is one of the hardest parts of parenting teenagers. We have experience. We’ve made mistakes and learned from them, and because we love our children, we want to spare them the same ones.
But listening doesn’t mean agreeing. It doesn’t mean dropping your boundaries, tolerating disrespect or abandoning your values. It simply means giving your teenager enough room to be heard before you respond.
There will be a time for advice, for correction, for boundaries. But sometimes the best first response is:
- “Tell me more.”
- “I can see why that might be difficult.”
- “Thank you for telling me.”
A few words like that tell a teenager their experience matters. And a young person who feels heard is far more likely to keep talking.
Notice what isn’t being said
Connection isn’t only about asking. It’s about noticing.
Has your teenager gone unusually quiet or irritable? Stopped mentioning friends they used to talk about constantly? Started spending more time alone, avoiding conversations, dreading school or coming home exhausted?
One change doesn’t mean something is wrong. Teenagers are teenagers, and their moods can turn faster than British weather. But patterns are worth noticing. You don’t need to interrogate them, just get curious: “I’ve noticed you’ve been a bit quiet lately. How are things?” Then actually listen to the answer.
Build the connection before the crisis
If there’s one thing I want you to take away, it’s this: don’t wait until your teenager is struggling to build a relationship where they feel safe talking to you.
Connection is built in the car, at the kitchen table, on a walk, in front of the TV, on the school run, while cooking dinner together. It’s built in the random conversation that starts with nothing and somehow lasts 45 minutes. It’s built through small check-ins, silly jokes, curiosity, and the moments you put your phone down and give them your full attention.
Those moments seem small, but they’re building trust. And when the bigger conversations come, and they will, that trust is everything.
Same values, upgraded method
One of the biggest mistakes we can make is parenting the teenager in front of us as though they’re still eight. They’re not. Their world, their friendships and their understanding of themselves are all changing, and our parenting has to change with them.
That doesn’t mean throwing away our values or becoming permissive. It means keeping the values while upgrading the method. Sometimes that looks like talking less and listening more, or asking instead of assuming, or being curious before correcting.
And sometimes it’s just sitting beside your teenager and asking, “How are you really doing?” Then giving them the space to answer.
Because underneath the uniform, the homework, the grades and the teenage attitude, there’s still your child. They need to know you care not just about what they’re doing, but how they’re doing.
So school may be back and the routine may be back, but don’t let the routine get so loud that you forget to check in with the person living it.
Ask. Listen. Notice. Create the space.
Connection isn’t something we wait for when there’s a problem. We build it before there is one.
