“Back home, that wouldn’t happen.”
If I had £1 for every time I’ve heard an African parent say that, I’d probably have enough money to pay for all the table tennis tournaments my daughter wants to attend.
The truth is, it truly wouldn’t happen back home.
But we’re not back home.
And that’s the point.
One of the biggest challenges for African parents raising children in the UK isn’t that our children are becoming “too Western”. It’s that we’re trying to use a parenting manual written for one culture in a completely different one.
Imagine moving to Scotland with your thick winter coat… then trying to wear the same coat in Lagos in April.
There’s nothing wrong with the coat.
It’s just not designed for that environment.
Sometimes I think that’s exactly what happens with our parenting.
We brought the values… but forgot to update the methods.
Let’s be clear.
Our values are beautiful.
Respect, responsibility, hard work, family loyalty, looking after one another.
These are values I hope my own children never lose.
The problem isn’t the values.
The problem is us assuming the methods that delivered those values in Nigeria, Ghana, Kenya, Algeria or Zimbabwe will automatically work in Britain.
Because cultures shape children differently.
Two different worlds.
Many of us grew up in communities where adults were automatically respected.
Your neighbour could discipline you.
Your auntie could tell you off.
If you got into trouble at school, your parents often asked the teacher what you had done without ever asking if you were okay.
There was a whole village reinforcing the same message.
In the UK?
Your child is growing up in a culture that teaches questioning.
At school they’re encouraged to ask “Why?”
Teachers ask for their opinions.
Mental health is discussed openly.
Children learn about rights alongside responsibilities.
They are growing up in two worlds.
One world says,
“Don’t question adults.”
The other says,
“Tell us what you think.”
And guess who’s caught in the middle?
Your child.
Here’s where many of us panic.
Our teenager starts questioning us.
Suddenly we’re thinking,
“They’ve become disrespectful.”
“They’ve forgotten where they come from.”
“They’re acting white.”
But what if…
They’re not rejecting your values.
They’re simply communicating in the language of the culture they’re growing up in.
There’s a difference.
A huge difference.
The biggest parenting shift I’ve had to make.
When I first became a parent, I thought my job was to make sure my children obeyed me.
Now?
I think my job is to influence them.
Because obedience has an expiry date.
Influence doesn’t.
One day your child will leave home.
You won’t be there to enforce rules.
You won’t know every friend.
You won’t approve every decision.
Control eventually disappears.
Relationship doesn’t.
Research keeps telling us the same thing.
Study after study has found that children thrive when parents combine clear expectations with warmth, responsiveness and open communication. This parenting style, often called “authoritative parenting”, consistently outperforms both overly permissive and overly controlling approaches on measures like wellbeing, academic achievement and emotional development.
Children don’t need parents who lower the bar; they need parents who hold high standards and stay emotionally connected.
That’s an important distinction.
When children feel emotionally safe, they’re far more likely to come to you when something goes wrong.
And if you’ve ever raised a teenager, you’ll know that’s priceless.
Connection isn’t soft.
Some parents hear the word “connection” and immediately think,
“So we’re supposed to let them do whatever they want?”
Not at all.
Connection isn’t the absence of boundaries. It’s how boundaries are delivered.
There’s a big difference between saying,
“Because I said so” and “Let me explain why this matters.”
The rule may stay exactly the same, but the relationship feels completely different.
Children are much more willing to accept limits when they feel understood.
You don’t have to choose.
This isn’t a choice between being African or being British.
It’s not traditional parenting versus modern parenting.
It’s taking the best from both worlds.
Keep the respect.
Keep the discipline.
Keep the family values.
But add curiosity.
Add conversations.
Add emotional safety.
Add listening.
Add explanations.
Think of it like upgrading your phone.
You don’t throw away everything.
You keep what works and update what no longer serves you.
My challenge to African parents.
Instead of asking,
“How do I get my child to obey me?”
Try asking, “How do I become the person they still want to talk to when they’re 25?”
Because that’s the real test.
Not whether they feared you enough to comply.
But whether they trusted you enough to come back.
Final thoughts.
As migrant parents, we’re doing something incredibly difficult.
We’re trying to preserve our culture while helping our children succeed in another.
That isn’t easy.
We’ll get things wrong.
I certainly have.
But here’s what I’ve learned after years of working with teenagers and their families:
Children rarely reject values they’ve experienced through love.
They often reject values they’ve experienced only through fear.
Your culture is worth passing on.
Your values are worth protecting.
Just remember…
The bridge your children will walk across isn’t built with control.
It’s built with connection.
And once that bridge is strong, your values have somewhere safe to travel.
