One of the classic indicators for a parent that is practising ‘gentle parenting’ is that they do not yell since gentle parenting emphasises calm, respectful communication and understanding.
Not yelling or raising one’s voice is fundamental in gentle parenting for building a positive relationship with your child based on trust and empathy. However, this isn’t the ‘traditional’ way to parent, and I wonder what parents who do sometimes yell at their children might feel about themselves as parents, since the trending method for parenting is now gentle parenting.
My view is based more on ‘intentional parenting’, and I thought to dive into some of the issues surrounding yelling and point out a few pointers that will always keep you intentional.
As much as gentle parenting sees yelling as a ‘no-no, it’s important to recognise that raising your voice with your kids is a common response when emotions run high, but whether it’s beneficial depends heavily on the context, intent, and frequency.
Wait…so can it be beneficial?
The funny thing is, it depends on what you mean by yelling. Yelling is often characterised by raised voices and anger. However, there is a new term floating around: assertive communication. In contrast to traditional ‘yelling’, which involves expressing one’s feelings and expectations clearly and respectfully, can foster understanding and cooperation.
Regardless, research shows that raising your voice to your children has some short-term benefits. Are you shocked?
Yes: well, just two!
It grabs attention immediately.
This is in urgent or dangerous situations (e.g., your child is about to run into the street), a loud voice can stop them quickly.
It can help to signal seriousness.
A raised voice can communicate that a boundary has been crossed and you’re not playing around—especially if you’re typically calm.
However, if we want to talk about the benefits of assertive communication which is a healthy and effective style of interacting with children that balances firmness with warmth, clarity with respect. It’s actually not about dominating or controlling—nor is it about being passive or overly permissive. Instead, it sets clear boundaries and expectations while maintaining connection and respect.
Check this out: This will CHANGE YOUR LIFE as a parent, you only need to take a step
Some of the interesting fundamentals of assertive parental communication
Clarity and Consistency
- The parent communicates rules and expectations clearly and follows through consistently.
- Example: “It’s time to put your toys away now. If they’re not put away in five minutes, we’ll have to pause playtime tomorrow.”
Respect and Empathy
- Parents acknowledge their child’s emotions and respond with empathy.
- Example: “I know you’re frustrated that screen time is over. It’s okay to feel upset, but it’s important to follow our family rules.”
Firmness Without Aggression
- The parent maintains authority without shouting, blaming, or shaming.
- Voice tone is calm but confident.
Two-Way Communication
- Parents listen as well as speak. They allow space for children to express themselves respectfully.
- Example: “Tell me how you’re feeling about what happened, and let’s talk it through together.”
Positive Reinforcement
- Assertive parents highlight good behavior and reinforce it.
- Example: “You did a great job listening the first time. Thank you!”
The next blog post will be about exploring the strategies to help implement assertive communication, but till then, do we really need to yell? Have you yelled before and felt you had no choice but to yell? What are some of the strategies you used to not yell?
Share with us what you think about ‘assertive communication’ instead of yelling?
