I’m not sure the feeling can be put into words…but let’s give it a try, shall we?
The moment lasts for usually 10 minutes, but it can feel like an eternity! Powerlessness and overwhelm combined with embarrassment as a cherry on top as your child has a public meltdown in a public space. Your decision to not give in was a good one, but you begin to doubt your parenting choice as the volume of the screams increases and your heart rate speeds up as onlookers give you and your child a weird, unhelpful stare. There are full-blown tears everywhere, and if you’re fortunate, the meltdown comes with a full theatrical display where your child ends up on the floor. On the floor? Yup! Fully stretched out with the desire to literally rock and roll.
All this because you said ‘No’, or ‘you can’t’, or ‘it’s time to go home now’. Insert thriller movie soundtrack here.
Who would have thought saying ‘no’ could cause your earth to shake, and the best card to play would be to walk away, hoping they’d get up off the floor, wipe away their tears, be remorseful for the Oscar-worthy performance and follow closely behind you? Or follow other parenting advice and ‘just ignore’. Wait…ignore? smack bang in the middle of Marks & Spencer in the cheese and yoghurt aisle with plenty of onlookers? I don’t think so.
Oh, how about yelling back? No, sorry, you’d be cancelled by the entire gentle parenting community. Others, in that moment of public embarrassment, might advise you to give in – give them what they are asking for – and relinquish your rightful possession of parental control to a 3-year-old so they can do it again and again whenever you say no? No, sir, no, ma’am!
So what do you do as an intentional parent in the heat of a public scandal on display against you in the middle of a tantrum? Before we even get into the how, let’s get an understanding of what exactly is happening: Between the ages of 1 and 3 (where tantrums are most common).
Tantrums involve the amygdala, the brain’s emotional centre, and the hypothalamus, which controls unconscious functions like heart rate and temperature. BASICALLY: Tantrums are a normal part of childhood development, especially in toddlers and young children, as their brains and emotional regulation skills are still developing.
But the most important thing for you to know and understand is that these outbursts can manifest as crying, screaming, stomping, kicking, hitting, or even throwing themselves on the floor. Tantrums are essentially a child’s way of expressing strong emotions, like frustration, anger, or sadness, when they are unable to communicate their needs or desires effectively.
So the issue here is that a tantrum is a form of communication to the child. However, we know that there is a much better way to communicate their feelings. We know that – but they do not.
The task becomes teaching them better ways to communicate.
Also read: The Parent Takeover: Day 2 – Will I Survive?
NEWS FLASH:
Toddlers can’t control or make sense of their own feelings and thoughts. They need an adult to do that for them – a kind, loving adult who is interested in their world.
So … the challenge is – in those tantrum episodes, especially those public ones where you want the ground to open and swallow you … you actually need to ‘get into their world’.
Here are some of the reasons for tantrums:
- tiredness and/or hunger
- overwhelming feelings, frustration, disappointment
- a need for attention and stimulation
- picking up on a parent’s mood and stress
- something or someone that scares or alarms them.
Basically, their physical or emotional needs.
I know, I know, you’re thinking – what about MY physical and emotional needs? We’ll revisit this at 18 …just kidding…
Or maybe I’m not kidding.
Anyway, I could talk about you avoiding these tantrums – for example, understanding triggers (i.e., tiredness – try going shopping AFTER they have taken a nap instead of before, etc.). However, if expression of their emotions is essential to their development, let’s talk about how to tackle it in the middle of the cheese and yoghurt aisle at Marks & Spencer!
- Help your child understand their emotions: You can do this from birth by using words to label feelings like ‘happy’, ‘sad’, ‘cross’, ‘tired’, ‘hungry’ and ‘comfy’.
- For toddlers – stay close, offer comfort, and reassure children that you understand their feelings.
- Make sure that your child and others nearby are safe. This might mean carrying your child somewhere else if you need to.
- Once your child is in a safe place, calmly acknowledge the emotion they’re expressing – speak slowly and in a low voice.
- Stay quietly with your child until they calm down. Touch or hold them if they want you to, or give them more physical space if they need it. Don’t try to reason with your child.
- Be consistent about not giving in to demands. This will help your child learn that tantrums don’t help them get what they want.
- Try a ‘paradoxical instruction’. This means giving your child permission to scream and shout until they’re ready to stop. For example, ‘You can yell louder if you want to. It’s a big park, and we’re not bothering anyone.’
- Comfort your child when they’ve calmed down. A tantrum is distressing for everyone.
What’s also important to know when dealing with a public meltdown is – you’ve got this!
What is the goal? To raise a confident and expressive child, it will require eye-to-eye level communication, a confident approach to talking through emotions, being calm and regulated yourself in tough situations, blocking out unhelpful stares (ugh!) and being consistent by not giving in to demands.
