The uncomfortable questions many of us raised in strict homes need to be asked.
“We turned out okay.”
It’s probably one of the most common responses when people question strict parenting.
Someone talks about how growing up in a strict household affected them, and immediately someone says:
“But look at us. We turned out fine.”
And I understand why we say it.
Many of us did survive. We got educated. We built careers. We became responsible adults. We know how to work hard, respect others, and show up when things get difficult.
Those values matter.
But here’s the question we don’t always ask:
Did we turn out okay, or did we simply learn how to cope?
Because there is a difference.
For many of us raised in strict homes, especially within African and immigrant cultures, obedience was often the foundation of parenting.
Respect your elders.
Don’t talk back.
Do what you’re told.
Don’t question authority.
Family reputation matters.
Your parents know best.
And there were good intentions behind many of these rules.
Our parents were often trying to protect us.
They were raising children in a world they knew could be unforgiving. They wanted us to avoid mistakes. They wanted us to succeed. They wanted us to have opportunities they never had.
But sometimes, in trying to keep us safe, we were not always taught how to navigate the world independently.
We were taught what to think, but not always how to think.
We were taught to obey, but not always how to communicate our disagreement respectfully.
We were taught to achieve, but not always how to recognise when we were struggling.
And this is where we need to be honest.
Because some of the adults saying “I turned out okay” are also adults who:
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struggle to say no because they were taught that disappointing people is wrong.
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find it difficult to make decisions without seeking approval.
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Avoid conflict because disagreement feels disrespectful.
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hide their emotions because vulnerability was seen as a weakness.
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constantly chase achievement because they learnt their worth was tied to success.
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struggle to have open conversations with their children because they never experienced them growing up.
That doesn’t mean our parents failed.
It means parenting leaves fingerprints.
The things we experience in childhood shape how we see ourselves, relationships, authority, and even love.
And this is the uncomfortable bit:
Sometimes we repeat the very things that hurt us because they are familiar.
A child disagrees with us, and we think:
“Who does this child think they are?”
But maybe the question should be:
“Have I created a home where my child feels safe enough to have a voice?”
Because outside our homes, our children will meet teachers, employers, friends, partners, and leaders who will not always think like them.
They will need to ask questions.
They will need to challenge ideas.
They will need to advocate for themselves.
They will need confidence to say, “I don’t agree,” without feeling like they are being disrespectful.
The goal is not to raise children who blindly obey us.
The goal is to raise adults who have strong values, good judgement, and the confidence to make wise decisions even when we are not in the room.
And that requires something many of us were not given:
a voice.
A voice to ask questions.
A voice to disagree respectfully.
A voice to say, “I need help.”
A voice to say, “This doesn’t feel right.”
A voice that knows it matters.
So maybe the question isn’t
“Did we turn out okay?”
Maybe the better question is
“What parts of ourselves did we have to silence to become okay?”
And as parents, especially those of us trying to blend the values we inherited with the realities of raising children today, we have an opportunity.
We can keep the good.
The respect.
The resilience.
The responsibility.
The family values.
But we can leave behind the things that no longer serve our children.
The fear.
The silence.
The belief that obedience matters more than connection.
Because our children don’t just need to turn out okay.
They deserve to grow into adults who are emotionally healthy, confident, and comfortable being fully themselves.
And maybe that is the upgrade our generation was waiting for.
Not rejecting where we came from.
But being brave enough to build something better.
